This just in.
Actual excerpt from an unsolicited email from M., a man with whom I went on one unremarkable date weeks ago and then never contacted again:
Dear Kara,
...So I hope you will take this in the spirit it is intended, which is just to be helpful because I really do like you and think you are a cool girl. Here is the only way I can think to explain it. Imagine that love is like sandwiches. [Ed.: I follow.] I am like a huge, delicious hoagie with all the fixin's. [Ed.: Uh, if you do say so yourself? Also, please never say "fixin's" again. ] The thing is, Kara, you are ALSO like a huge, delicious hoagie with all the fixin's. Obviously, hoagies are huge and delicious. [Ed.: Your descriptive writing style thrills me to the core.] It's just that in a girlfriend I think a lot of guys are not looking for a hoagie. They are looking for a light, nutritious sandwich, maybe a ceviche sandwich. [Ed.: Wait, what? A ceviche sandwich? That sounds appallingly gross.]
My response entire:
Dear M.,
Thank you for that illuminating discourse on love and sandwiches, one of which is a favorite topic of mine. I'm afraid, however, that a ceviche sandwich sounds --- rather than light and nutritious --- absolutely disgusting, and likely to give giardia and maybe also gonorrhea to any person who should eat it. With that being said, I think I'll stick to being a hoagie. With extra pickles.
Yours,
Kara
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8 comments:
i like subs (i detest the word "hoagie" and refuse to use it unless bracketed by quotation marks). they feel like you've eaten a real meal and have a lot of flavors that you find after every bite.
a light and nutritious sandwich? i find that they leave you empty and still hungry. and is also probably bat-shit insane (as they usually are in my experience)? no thanks.
can sandwiches be bat-shit insane? and here, nate, is where we come upon the crux of this helpful gentleman's imperfect metaphor.
I love you.
This fellow sounds like a fluffernutter, if you ask me.
M. sounds like he is a few bacon strips short of a BLT, if you know what I mean.
But then, for the record, I like my sandwiches cut in half down the middle.
A-mazing.
sweet jesus. sweet, sweet baby jesus.
that does it. i'm moving from the east coast and we're going to get married and have hoagie babies.
XKCD weighs in:
http://xkcd.com/762/
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