While checking out at my local Safeway this afternoon, the following exchange occurs between a somewhat drunk-seeming woman, who is behind me in line, and myself.
Her: [surveying my groceries] You eat pretty healthy, huh?
Me: Sometimes.
Her: You got bananas, you got peppers, you got spinach, you got cottage cheese...
Me: True.
Her: [producing switchblade seemingly out of nowhere] Give me your fuckin' groceries.
Me: [not seeing switchblade at first] What? No. [seeing switchblade] Oh.
Cashier does nothing.
Her: [lifting baggie of shredded mozzarella] What the fuck even is this?
Me: Cheese.
Her: What do you make with this shit?
Me: I don't know, you could make pizza, I guess.
Her: How?
Me: [Am I seriously exchanging recipes with a mugger?] Um, you could just put some on top of some bread, like with some tomato sauce, and melt it.
Her: I bet that would be good. In a microwave or something you melt it?
Me: Yep.
Cashier is still ringing up my groceries, ostensibly for mugger.
Her: Just on bread? That's some fucked up pizza.
Me: Feel free to adapt.
Her: [picking through other groceries, perhaps for other food-preparation advice] You can keep the lettuce. I don't want that.
Me: Great. Superb.
Security guard arrives, pushes past me, apprehends woman with knife. On her way past me, she cuts the hood of my sweatshirt. Cashier, nonplussed, asks me if I need help out with my groceries.
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3 comments:
AAAAACK. I am so glad she only got your sweatshirt.
Good to know that crazy mugger ladies can be distracted by mozzarella and lettuce until help arrives. Gives us a fighting chance.
Whoa. I think I am going to stick to visiting the local Safeway late in the evening. Daytime sounds scary!
Holy crap! And they say New York isn't safe... :) Glad you're all right!
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