in which i flagrantly propagate the stereotypes of my gender

You know how when you're a kid you tell yourself that when you grow up, god damn it, you're going to eat whatever you want? Cheetos for lunch, Cheetos for dinner! And Zach Morris will be president! I have descended there, to that dark place. My ten-year-old self (who, once, when left home alone, ate an entire container of whipped cream cheese plain out of the container) would be totally into this. Yesterday I had a cup of broth and a piece of frozen yellow cake, no frosting. That was breakfast and lunch, respectively. To round out this gourmet palate, some codeine, an iron supplement, prednisone, and a vitamin. No wonder I'm gray! Broth and cake? Come on, Kara. Your hair's falling out, your skin is gray, your ribs are showing, and all you've got is broth and cake? Even Marie Antoinette would be like, Honey, no.

What's good motivation for eating better? A baby. An adorable, tiny baby! Now, before you start panicking, I'm not pregnant. For the past two days, for my daily outing, I've been babysitting. On Monday I babysat a young person I've been babysitting for many months, a fine, mischevious two-year-old by the name of J___ who enjoys spearing my forearm with forks, jumping on his mother's bed, perfecting the high-five and the low-five, and eating hamburgers. But last night was my first time babysitting a new young person, one C____, aged seven (!) months (!). Per his mother's instructions, we went out on a walk with him in a sling on my stomach. He stared at the sky and I sang and told him jokes. Everywhere we went, people smiled at us. (People never smile at me! Not even when they know me!) When we passed by a pile of pumpkins, I compared each one to his head, which is rather large, for size. When we got home, I gave him a bath and put on his pajamas, and then I gave him his bottle and put him to sleep. I got milk and spitup all over me, and did not mind at all. Not that this is anything new, but, um, I totally want a baby. I know it's creepy. I know, I know. People who are going to have babies, however --- even if these babies are five years off --- need to eat more nutritious things than broth and cake. Today I have had some yogurt.

This morning, though, I woke up feeling terrible, like I have the flu and mono and Crohn's and crushed-by-anvil syndrome all in one. All these babies and their germs, maybe they aren't the safest daily outings for me, though it is nice to make some money. I'm so exhausted I almost canceled today's daily outing, except that it was a doctor's appointment. (The doctor, who was not a gastroenterologist but a gynecologist, was so weirded out by my gray appearance that she made me put on a mask for her own protection! (Me: "Don't worry, Crohn's Disease isn't contagious.") Wow, I'm moving up in the world.) Thank God writing is a sedentary task (and that I'm not babysitting again until Saturday).