tyrranosaurus audio

Good evening once again from picturesque North Dakota, where I appear to have stress-eaten myself into a dilly of a Crohn's pickle. Perhaps tomorrow I will be reborn as a dolphin, a gleeful, braying dolphin, whose appropriate relationship to small edible fish and its "work" environs make it gnash its delicate scissorteeth in amusement. The only drawback to being a dolphin tomorrow: If I'm still in North Dakota as a dolphin, in all likelihood I'll be beached as crap, and therefore dead. And I will still be in North Dakota tomorrow; that I can assure you.

The Internet, which has already been sullied by so many boobs, bad rabbi jokes, Wikipedia entries that end up in student citations, and so on, now has another terrifying item: My weird voice, online, reading a story about dinosaurs. This has happened because the very supportive editors at Narrative are incredibly nice to me (and maybe because they like people with Crohn's Disease? because the story mentions it by name). In the picture on the webpage, I look like more of a douche than I perhaps ever have, but they kept pressing me for different pictures -- "more candid pictures" -- until I concluded that what they really wanted was a picture of me looking like a douche. And behold! Out of options, I sent along a picture of me looking like a douchebag, and what do you know, I was right. Because they stuck it right up there. There is a preview you can listen to in which I stutter like Screech from Saved By The Bell. Imagine me also pulling up my pants with one hand, avoiding the eyes of the National Book Award winners in the front row of whom I was terrified, and swallowing blood. Total. Class. A week after the reading, I was in the hospital. But you wouldn't know it from the douche picture.

If you'd like, you can listen here.