your hospital correspondent

first of all, please excuse my poor typing and my brevity. i only can type with one hand. i am in the hospital! see how hilarious and topsy-turvy life is? o-ho! it just makes me want to throw back my head and laugh like a delicate freaking bell.

my hall is crazy! one dude tried to escape! one went wack and threatened a nurse's life and they had to call psych. me? i'm boring. i won't even accept their vicodin. got to stay sharp, you know. they exploded seven of my veins on the first day trying to get the i.v. in. i was not your homey then. i did not represent us well. when they blew up all my veins i cried like my life depended on it. i screamed. it went on for like 90 minutes. three separate people tried the explodings. they are on the insides and outsides of my wrists and hands and in the middle of my forearms and the crooks of my arms and the sides. and i'm sorry, but look, i had to cry. in the morning they came back and did three more. on my chart they wrote i'm difficult because i cried when my veins blew up. i guess i was supposed to break into an upbeat musical selection. it's... beeee... ginning to look a lot like chrrrristmas! no, that would've been weird, too.

in an hour i start the prep for my colonoscopy. yeah, like the colonoscopy i had in october. it makes you shit and vomit -- you probably know. the c-scope is in the morning. they'll put me under. when i wake up they'll take me somewhere to prep for my mre. that's where you drink more stuff that makes you vomit. then they stick you in a very small hole (like a bad, claustrophobic rabbit!) and put some contrast in your i.v.

and then, they tell me, maybe, i can end this nonsense. that's good! because i have a wedding to be in in under a week (!) and a tonne of grading to do. i hear you don't need veins to grade.